Years passed one two three four. I thought about the pages they were always there, on my computer, in my head, with my heart. I thought about whether I should, whether I could, why. Reasons came and went I didn't do a thing, just thought and remembered, thought and remembered. I made movies fell in love fell out of love made more movies fell in love again. I thought and remembered. I started to believe that I could do it, should do it, had do it, I thought about why I should do it. I made a list of why the reasons I should, I made a list the reason against. The list I should read:

I have never seen about addiction or alcoholism that I felt was true to the experience that I had lived. Books always glamorize it or romanticize or make it seem cool. It is not glamorous. It is not romantic. It is not cool or even close, it is just fucking awful.

My friends are gone, the friends I made, either dead or locked away, they are almost all gone. They were great people. Troubled and difficult and addicted, but full of love and full of life and great despite their problems. I want to remember them, memorialize them, share them with others.

Addicts are misunderstood and Alcoholics are misunderstood. Our families and friends see us and wonder why we are the way we are they do not understand why we fall apart. If I write from my heart, if what I say is true and comes from a place of truth, it may help others understand what lives in the mind of the addicted and alcoholic.

I survived my addictions. I lived through them and past them. I did not do it the way most are told is the only way. I did not use God or a Higher Power or a Twelve Step Group of any kind. I used my will, my heart, my friends, my family. Most people who use God or a Higher Power or a Twelve Step Group fail. There is another way that might work. It worked for me. I want to share it. I hope it works for others.

The experience haunts me. I have never shared it with anyone, I have shared parts of it, but never all. If I share it, it will help me deal with it, help understand it, help me learn from it.

The list which contained the reason against writing the book was short it read:

I am scared.

Fear is only fear and fear is bullshit. I do not shrink from fear and I do not let it affect the way I live my life. In the fall of the year 2000 I opened the file. I read the forty pages and I started writing again. I wrote a page or two pages a day every single day for 310 straight days. I tried to be as honest as I could be, I tried to write the truth, every word came straight from my heart. I have never read it from beginning to end. I can only read small sections of it. It hurts me to even look at it. It is exactly what I wanted it to be, the pain is real, I hope you feel it. I felt it, and I tried to share it, I hope you feel it.

Thank you for reading this, I hope you can feel it.

James Frey

azt hiszem én is csak ennyit mondok: thank you for reading this, i hope u can feel it.