its not me.. ive never behaved like this.
that girl is a raffish chick. not yet a bitch, and doesn't want to be a bitch.
she just wants to enjoy herself a bit. only at weekends or when she can.
but i think she went too far.. i can't control myself whem im like that..
i don't really like being drunk. i only like the feeling. when you are free and you feel good and there's no problems around you[maybe there's one..how to go back home.]
i don't use drugs. i hate them. without them i can enjoy the party or anything as well.
but.. when i come to a standstill, when i feel alone, when every second f:cking gay come to me and 'ask something', when i think i finally found the boy who loves me but the next day 'he doesn't remember'; when i finally forget i need somebody, and finally say I DON'T NEED ANY BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW and comes a newer one, but he will be just another. and for me an extra.. a third one who meant it, but his personality is the opposite of mine. and i didn't mean it. neither of them meant it... they were not serious.
At the end, of course, comes another. withwhom you did the biggest shit you could do..
the only thing you got is the hope that he won't be another one. but you lost all your hope before, and its hard to get it back.. you lost your trust in every f:cking gay. they're just playing. enjoying their lives. but fuck them. i hope the previous was the last time.. im afraid it wasn't...... i fucked up everything.
. . . w o r d  f o r  w o r d . . .

i can't stop writing. sorry. i need it.
i won't write in hungarian. i can better express myself in english.
im afraid there is some people who will be disappointed..
the list starts with my best friends.. and Gyökkszi will be on the top.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
i fucking fucked up everything.
there's the time when i must stop.
disappear for a while. think about what i've done and what i've not done.
i haven't regreted doing that yet, but im sure he didn't mean..... so maybe i will regret.
but i don't want to regret.. i want him. or don't really want him, only don't want to be the loser AGAIN.
i don't know what i want.
it's not me.
i'm not myself nowadays.
i can't express my feelings.
i can't do anything right now.
so... this way... i'm going to my bed and sleeping a little more, then going to the match and smoke the whole pack of 'c'... that would be the best..
and maybe i would have a word with him.. but i daren't speak..

E.N.D.